Well, y’all. It happened.
They killed Sammy.
There was a flashback puppy montage to destroy our souls even more. And then there was a lot of Jack crying. And then he and Emanda made out.
YES THEY DID. THEY MADE OUT OVER SAMMY’S DEAD DOGGY BODY. AND ASHLEY TOTALLY SAW THEM DOING IT.
Do they give out awards to animals? Because the doggy actor who plays Sammy (shamelessly not listed on IMBD.) should receive one for playing a dead dog really, really well. (There’s no way they could use a real dead dog, right? Oh, God, after everything that went down with Luck this year, they probably can. Ugggghhhhh.)
I am so upset about Sammy. This is ridiculous.
Aside from Sammy dying and Emanda and Jack irreverantly making out over his corpse, some other things happened in this episode, aptly named “Grief.” The writers obviously wanted us to feel the grief. Goddamn them.
One of the big developments of the episode is that Daniel SUCKS these days. I mean, right? He used to be all hot and sort of separatist from his family, what with him working at The Stowaway and dating the girl-next-door against his mom’s wishes and wanting nothing to do with Grayson Global. But NOT ANYMORE. Now he’s a company man through and through. To the point that he is flagrantly blackmailing Victoria. Which, you know, I have no particular problem with, it’s just such a departure from where he was at the beginning of the show.
And he’s also trying to change his and Emanda’s wedding into this giant publicity event for Grayson Global, which Emanda is NOT amused with. Especially since it interrupted her scheduled Spying-On-White-Haired-Shanker Time. Therefore, she spends the entire time Ashley is babbling on about how though the event won’t be on the Wills and Kate Scale, it should be elaborate since the Graysons are American Royalty.
Then Ashley awkwardly asked Emanda about her background and I’m all, “Weren’t you two friends or something at some point?” Also, when did they stop being friends? I guess during the whole Your-Fiancé-Killed-My-Bisexual-Asshat-of-a-Boyfriend thing. And, sure, they haven’t been around each other often, but the coldness between them took me by surprise. And is also an interesting development since Ashley saw the Jemanda™ Make-Out-Over-Dead-Sammy Session.
Anyway, back to Daniel for a second. Out of every character, his has seen the most growth. And it’s not a growth in a good way, in my opinion. But at this point, he’s sort of the most interesting character we have. (Other than maybe Ashley, in my opinion. I really have high hopes for her still. Maybe she’ll really do something DRASTIC and BADASS in the finale episode.) But if Daniel’s awfulness paves the way for Jemanda™, then I guess I’m good with it.
Which reminds me that Daniel gave Jack a million dollars in hush money so that he will disappear to Haiti and not fuck up his public image. I mean. On the one hand, how dare Daniel do that, but on the other hand . . . A MILLION DOLLARS BITCHES.
While we’re talking about the Porters, Declan has a new girly friend. She is from Yonkers, which is where I reside, and therefore I like her and refuse to dislike her. REFUSE I SAY. So she’s around now. Charlotte calls her a hoe after running away from Grayson Family Counseling, wherein Conrad and Victoria use an innocent game of “I like, I need” (which is this awful therapist-invented game in which every person says what they like about a person and what they need from said person) into a game of J’ACCUSE, and going to see Declan. While I feel bad for Charlotte, and weirdly want things to be ok for her somehow, bitch needs to back the fuck down. No one messes with Yonkaz.
On the Grayson front, Lydia is back to slutting it up with Conrad. Then Victoria does this whole thing about trying to make her jealous since Conrad hung the DeKooning he knows is a fake in their new sexpartment, and then Victoria rips it open and finds a Ziploc bag of cash and a tape hidden within the Faux-Kooning. Then Victoria tells Lydia that the SEC is quietly getting a case against Grayson Global together re: the 1993 flight and that if Lydia cooperates, she’ll also receive immunity. Since, you know, Victoria is such a good friend.
But the big event of the night involved Nolan rocking a sweet stache and breaking into White-Haired Shanker’s apartment and planting a bug. He did this to prevent Emanda from killing the White-Haired Shanker and in an effort to spy on him before they kill him/take him down/whatever. While this seems like a good idea, TURNS OUT that White-Haired Shanker is not so easily fooled by unexpected cable dudes rocking sweet staches.
But more on that in a minute. First, it’s important to note that Emanda sent some video footage she had taken of Daniel to Conrad so that it looked like White-Haired Shanker had been spying on Daniel. Conrad is obviously not amused by this and he meets with White-Haired Shanker and throws around words like “mutually-assured destruction.” Blah blah. Yadda yadda. But that conversation is what leads Nolan to the White-Haired Shanker, and now I’ve totally told that story backward. But y’all know what’s going on. So you’ll forgive me.
And in the last three minutes of the show some heavy things happen. (Well, not as heavy as the dog death and weep-inducing puppy montage, but still heavy.) Newly Horrible Daniel goes over to Emanda’s carrying the briefcase that has the information he flagrantly blackmailed from his mother to give to Conrad to keep him from being exposed to the SEC. Emanda apologizes for her behavior at the wedding planning meeting and then invites him upstairs. I’m sure his briefcase will disappear. Like that one time she was all sneaking around in the early morning hours with Amily and then the cops came to her house and she somehow had the time-stamped fish in the fridge. I like that time.
ANYWAY. SOMETHING AS HUGE AS SAMMY DYING HAPPENED AT THE END-END OF THE EPISODE.
White-Haired Shanker a) totally knew Nolan was not a cable guy, b) totally looped his video and fooled Nolan, and c) choked Nolan until he passed out. HE HURT NOLAN. HE MUST DIE.
That coupled with the loss of Sammy and the excitement of the Creepy Jemanda™ Kiss are just too much for me. I’ll need the week to recover.
And, based on the music in the teaser for next week’s season one finale episode, Florence + The Machine’s “Seven Devils,” which was also used in a Game of Thrones Season 2 teaser, THE FINALE WILL BE GREAT. *thunderclap*
“This is getting kinkier and creepier by the moment.”—Nolan
Yonkers, right? Didn’t need a trashy tee to figure that one out.”—Charlotte, a Bitch Who Needs to Back the Fuck Up Before All of Yonkers Comes At Her.
So those are my thoughts and feelings. Please do share yours in comments. Feel free to use the comments section as a group therapy session for any fictional dog deaths that you are still trying to get over.