Well, in case you haven’t heard, I’m sorry to break it to you that Melissa’s new motto for the circle jerkers shall not come to pass. Which is a shame, because I would have been down for a ‘more fun’ version of this show. All the usual sites are reporting that the show has officially been cancelled by the CW. Take a moment to reflect and grieve, and then we’ll get into my recap of what is now the series finale.
Damn. Well, first thing’s first. I gave my word last week that if Grant wasn’t revealed as evil by the end of the season, I’d dedicate a paragraph of this review to discussing Cassie’s positive qualities. Never in a million years did I think I’d actually have to do it. But, here we are (although, if this show had been renewed I’d still be betting on Grant being shady). As promised, here is my Ode to Cassie:
Cassie is brave, and she has pretty hair. Her grandma was real nice. She’s not afraid to almost kill her friends to get shit done. She managed to keep her still-in-tact feelings for Adam to herself because she knows how much the show suffers when Adam is too busy being entranced by her Dark Magic Vagine to have a personality. She turned on her dad when she had to in order to protect her friends. She managed to get through at least one take of the beach scene without bursting into a fit of laughter and/or uncontrollable tears over how stupid it was. So, she’s not ALWAYS the worst. There you go, Cassie. You’re welcome.
On to the actual episode…my official opinion was that it was only okay except for the last five minutes, which were REALLY GOOD. And because of that, it would have only really paid off if the show came back next season. Since it won’t be, it’s kind of unfortunate that this is the final chapter, especially given how much fun the past few episodes have been. I think that the biggest problem with the finale was the editing. Most of this episode felt haphazardly slapped together, leaving important things out while making other scenes unnecessarily long (Diana and Cassie skullgasming together while they caressed an undulating mutant jellyfish-like form on the beach, anyone?).
The entire episode was focused on the circle’s takedown of both Eban and Blackwell, and it played out pretty much exactly like The Night Of The Fire™ did sixteen years ago (except, this time the witches won and Blackwell actually got his in the end). Eban didn’t turn out to be much of a threat (why wasn’t that spell used to extract the demons from him weeks ago??), but the boat scenes did allow for some insanely great moments between Faye and Jake, who are officially my favorites because they really are fantastic together (Faye is great with everyone, but Tonkin and Zylka have especially awesome chemistry, don’t they?).
There were a lot of things that felt off to me in the episode, almost like they realized that they wouldn’t have enough time to film and/or show everything they had written, so they had to make some cuts, and then those cuts were done really sloppily. I’m thinking particularly of everything that happened on the boat and especially Charles’ involvement. There seemed to be entire scenes missing there, and instead we got to spend a full minute watching Blackwell, Cassie and Diana stare at a lake (ocean? whatever). We also got this gem from Cassie:
Does she think that Diana just got a Glee-style gravel slushie in the face or something? They’re both looking at a lone, obvious man on the beach about 50 feet in front of them. It’s not a Where’s Waldo picture for god’s sake. It’s scenes like this that really make me want to punch Cassie out, I swear.
So Cassie and Diana were at the beach to assemble the crystal skull with Daddy Blackwell so they could use it to kill Eban, while the rest of the gang (minus still-kidnapped Faye) waited by the boat to execute Plan B in case Operation: Crystal Skull didn’t work out. And then came the news that we kind of all knew was coming: in order to assemble the skull, the circle had to become unbound. This would have been a great development for the second season, because it’s way more fun when each of these kids can go rogue and use their powers inappropriately without first attending a pre-power circle meeting, making a pro/con list and getting a lecture from either Cassie or Diana. Faye was already putting this ability to good use by the end of the episode (as we all knew she would), but we’ll get back to that.
Okay, the beach scene. Fuck me. I’m sorry, but I really was not a fan of any of it. I don’t know what was part of the original book and what was changed if anything, but I thought it was all pretty laughable, and WAYYYYYYYY too long. We watched them throw crystals in the water, one by one. Then we watched them stand there and stare at the water for about five minutes. Then Cassie wandered into the water and picked up the most jacked-looking jellyfish ever and carried it to the shore while moaning and gasping:
THEN she and Diana had to sit face to face, hands on the mutant blob, while they magic-gasmed at each other for about ten minutes. Awk-ward. If you want to know what this honestly reminded me of, I’ll tell you – it reminded me of the only time I’ve ever listened to Howard Stern. He had two porn stars on, and they were sitting on those vibrator machines together while Howard presumably jacked off in the corner (is his studio literally covered in semen? Because that’s what I imagine). I’m pretty sure that this is not the visual the show was going for when they were writing and filming this scene between two sisters with their dad watching from a few feet away, but that’s what I got from it. So, thanks for that, show.
So anyway, the skull formed, and as a result all of the witches got their powers back. Which was really handy for Faye, who was able to get herself out of her little prison. I loved her line, ‘please tell me this is happening’ because if that were me, I would have thought I was delusional too. How ironic and triumphant that the spell that’s been giving Faye trouble all year, the dreaded ‘Lock Unlock’, would be the spell that ended up saving her life? And she did it on the first try!
Meanwhile, Dawn and Charles were talking about how maybe their blind, bloodthirsty quest for power had possibly had a negative impact on their children. Ya think? So they did what anyone does when they’ve fucked up and don’t know what to do – they called mom. Charles’ mom, who last time we saw her had been busy burying Cassie alive, showed up and just straight-up gave them her powers so they could rescue their kids. And then after Dawn left, Charles mentioned a super-secret plan that he needed help with, but we didn’t get the details. It involved taking on the demons himself, jumping into the ocean (lake? whatever), and later sitting in a trance while his mom carved stuff into his arm. So, he’s Heather now? Can’t someone just use that same spell he used on Eban and get the demons snakes out of him, maybe coax them into a box instead of another person? It was all pretty unclear.
So, the gang all killed Eban (well, Charles and Jake, really), and they did it pretty easily. Charles let the demon snakes get all up in him before literally jumping ship:
Meanwhile, Blackwell went full villain and explained his dastardly plan to his two daughters while he kept them corralled in a blood circle: eliminate all witches without ties to the Balcoin bloodline using the crystal skull. Oh, and there were four other Balcoin kidlets out there because Blackwell apparently took a LOT of witches out behind the middle school to get them pregnant back in the day. Basically he was all, ‘fuck your friends – we’re creating a pure witch army, bitches’. So, Blackwell is Witch Hitler. Got it.
But then Cassie decided to turn the skull on her dad (she just knew she could and knew how to do it, don’t worry about it), but she didn’t have enough power on her own. She needed her sister in magicgasms, but Diana wouldn’t move. So, Cassie tried to kill her, which gave Diana the kick in the pants she needed to join the party and kill their dad. Done.
So then there was another really weird jump that seemed to have skipped over a few steps because all the kids were together at Cassie’s place and I’m thinking ‘holy shit, they have to now tell Diana that her other dad, the one she loves, is dead’. (At this point we hadn’t seen the Heather-ing of Charles yet). But then everyone’s just like, ‘hey man, sorry about your dad’. So I guess they all knew? But it just seemed way too casual and not sad, not to mention way too soon after everything had happened for everyone to have moved past it already.
Cassie decided she couldn’t deal with the skull so they gave it to Adam, who was deemed Most Trustworthy by everyone unanimously. Diana said she was leaving town with Grant, her boyfriend of five minutes. Cassie pleaded with her to stay but Diana told her that being near Cassie was the worst thing for her (ha!). Jake asked Faye out (a real date, awwww) but she told him she had plans and asked for a raincheck because Faye is a baller. Her big plans, by the way, were hanging out with Melissa and turning Chance Harbor into a two-woman party using their newly-restored powers. THIS is the kind of stuff I was really missing all season – fun, irresponsible teen magic.
The show ended with some awesome dialog-free images that would have been really interesting to see play out next year. Cassie and Diana both developed magical Balcoin scars on their hands. Diana hid hers from Grant, while Cassie used hers to smugly start a fire (soooo Cassie). Adam spent some alone time with the skull and couldn’t resist rubbing it all over (is this thing the world’s most powerful tool for dark magic or a sex toy?) with an eeeeeviiiiiillllll grin on his face:
Alas, the possibilities of all of these things will have to live on in our imaginations or fanfiction. I’m kind of bummed out – when the closing credits rolled I was way more excited for season two than I thought I would have been.
So, what did you think of the finale? Were you bothered by the jumpy, strange editing too? What were you most excited about for season two? Hit the comments with your thoughts, your feelings about the cancellation, things you would have changed, anything! We’ve got all the time in the world to discuss it and hey – we’ll always have the DVDs. Thanks for spending the season hanging out with me here, you guys – it’s been fun! For the last time ever, SEX BIRDS: NEVER FORGET.