Despite the fact that I am perhaps the least maternal woman on the planet and quite literally run the other way from children, I really enjoyed last night’s episode of New Girl, “Kids.”

I specifically enjoyed Russell’s daughter, Sarah, played brilliantly by Annalise Basso. I think I laughed more at her lines than anyone else’s. Which is saying something because I was rolling at a couple Nick lines.

But Sarah’s “Rub my face on his face UGHHHHHH” won me over. It was so perfectly hormonal and dramatic and manic and OMG SO SERIOUS, but also so ridiculous seen through an adult’s eyes. And the sad thing is that I’m positive I was exactly like her when I was her age. I had a different life-altering crush every day. And one that was, like, a week long on my friend’s older sister’s (very hot) boyfriend. I think his name was something like Fitz and I thought it was the coolest name ever and anytime he and my friend’s older sister were watching TV when I was over at their house, I would just stare at him. Good Lord was I a creepy kid.

Anyway. I love Sarah. She can stay.

But the reason I’m even talking about Sarah is this: Russell asked Jess to watch Sarah for the weekend and his ex-wife actually agreed to letting her daughter stay in an apartment with her teacher/father’s boyfriend and all of her roommates. I’m fairly certain no mother in the history of ever that was worth her mother’s day card would ever do that. Or maybe I just don’t understand progressive parenting. *shrug* So, Sarah is there for the weekend and Jess begs the roomies (and a possibly preggers Cece) to stay calm and be normal and wear pants, or at least high socks. But we all know that will never happen.

And actually, I was far more interested in how Sarah felt about Jess being her teacher/father’s girlfriend. Because that has to be seriously weird for a kid. But, Sarah seems really ok with it. In fact, she asks extraordinarily awkward questions like, “Do you and my dad dry lump?” and “How do you do it animal style?” as she is going through Jess’s bras. Jess is doing her best to establish boundaries with Sarah and to somehow be both her teacher and her friend and, possibly, a role model.

But then Sarah decides that she has a massive, extraordinarily, earth-shattering crush on Nick. This is because Sarah is smart. So she angsts about, hilariously talking about how hot Nick is and how much she wants to know about him and how he is perfect. It’s amazing. But then she learns that Nick is dating someone. Her name is Chloe, and, yes, she is still in college. But! She knows about mainstream street artists, the meaning of the word juxtaposition, and possesses basic table manners. Therefore she is obviously superior to the other bimbos Nick has been boning the last couple weeks. And, in fact, Chloe seems great. Sure, she has really small eyes that sort of freak me out, but that can be overlooked. But then Sarah drops a bombshell at dinner when she announces that she used to ride the bus to school with Chloe, which leads them to all to learn that Chloe is 18. And that Jess was a sub for one of her classes. So, Nick is appalled that he’s 30 and dating an 18 year old and Sarah is embarrassed because Jess called mentioned her crush on Nick in front of Nick.

So Sarah, naturally, dramatically runs into Jess’s room and refuses to come out right around the time that her mom is expected to arrive and pick her up. So Schmidt runs out and tries to stall her by suggesting totally improbable places that they could have met once. Meanwhile, Cece still freaks out about possibly being pregnant and Nick and Jess try to coax Sarah out of Jess’s room. It’s a really cute little scene wherein Nick tells Sarah that he wishes he could love someone the way she loves him. Then it sort of backfires because he ends up telling her the world sucks and she should just stay in the room as long as possible. Luckily, around that time she decides that she’s over Nick and needs help taking off all of Jess’s bras, which she has fastened all over her body in some Gaga-like outfit of the future. So Jess and Nick are removing all of the bras, Sarah’s mom walks in and is appalled and freaked out. Jess tries to make nice but it doesn’t really work. Oh well.

Alright, so Cece. Her period is late and she’s naturally freaking out because she doesn’t want to be pregnant. She also doesn’t want anyone other than Jess to know that this is even a possibility. So she and Jess sit around and talk about what Schmidt would have been like as a baby. Then they make the mistake of asking him what he was like as a baby. He tells them very important information like, “They say I needed a magnum-sized diaper.” I can’t even let myself think about that.

But while Sarah is around, Cece starts to worry that she’ll be a terrible mother and that makes her freak out even more. At some point she’s telling Sarah something about why she shouldn’t be in love with Nick so that she doesn’t end up having sexy times and possibly being pregnant and Schmidt totally overhears the conversation and is adorably overjoyed to learn that he is potentially going to be a father. I mean, he says some really weird shit because he’s Schmidt, but it’s also sweet. He makes Cece a mocktail and tells her that he’ll also be there for her to support her through things and it makes her cry a little. Schmidt totally accepts the idea of fatherhood and tells Nick that while it’s not necessarily turning out the way he would have planned it, he’s willing to accept it. So he runs around being excited about how big Cece’s boobs will get and starts coming up with ridiculously Jewish names for the kid.

But then of course it turns out that Cece is not in fact preggers. So then she tells Schmidt that they can go back to the way things were, which is casually sleeping together all the fraking time, but not ever actually dating despite the fact that Schmidt asked her on a date to Italy on Ice before he learned she was pregnant. She of course told him no and to take someone else, so he called Nick, called him Nicole and then awkwardly asked him what he was wearing and if he’s taking care of his tushy. Good Lord. Anyway, at the end of the episode Schmidt actually ends up taking Nick to Italy on Ice and Nick has the time of his life heckling the ice skaters.

In Winston news, his boss still sucks and is afraid of Michael Strahan. Also, where is Shelby? I like her.

Quotations

“Your life is like Gossip Girl. Your friends are just old and poor.” —Sarah to Jess

“We could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.”—Schmidt to Cece, about his concerns re: getting the fetus pregnant

“She doesnt even know what Netscape is.”—Schmidt to Nick and Winston, on Chloe and her age

“I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.”—Jess to Nick.

“We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet.”—Jess, with Nick, to Sarah through the door.

“Do something weird Mussolini! We love ya!”—Nick to Mussolini ice skater

So that is that! But now I want to know what you, dear reader, thought of the episode. Did you like Sarah as much as I did? Were you totally confused by the “marry me” skywriting that Schmidt saw when Cece shot him down? (Foreshadowing? That’s the only possibly explanation, right?) Or did you have other favorite moments? Tell me EVERYTHING in comments.

And now! An Ode to Sarah. Because she is great.