Gooses! Geeses! I want a goose to lay gold eggs for Easter!

“Sing my precious little golden bird, sing! I have hung my golden slipper around your neck.”

Dear Grimm writers,

In the weeks past I have alluded to the love that I feel for you, but Friday’s episode triggered something deep inside my being that I felt had to be epistle-y (it’s a word now, suckahs!) acknowledged. I’ve kind of mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: You have really found your sweet spot in the past few episodes, and now you’ve been hitting it every single week. That sounds incredibly dirty and I apologize — unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, there’s more where that came from, hot stuff. I never really hid my trepidation at how successful this show would turn out to be, and I am so glad that you have allayed my fears. Friday’s episode was so well put together that I’m having trouble forming coherent thoughts. You were able to seamlessly juxtapose Nick’s Wesen-of-the-Week storyline (mixed with the whole Juliette doesn’t know thing) with the larger running story of Hank being seduced by Adalind at the command of Renard and not make it feel tedious and stale like so many shows before you (and believe me, I’ve watched a lot of TV). Speaking of Renard, what the fuck is he up to?! I don’t know yet. And I applaud you for it. Like I said last week, this show is a slowww buurrrnnnn. I fucking love you guys so much (especially Richard Hatem, who wrote this particular episode). Keep it up. Because you’re one of my favorite shows on TV right now, which is a high honor, I assure you (I’m extremely picky). My point is this: YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Love,
Christina

Whew! Okay, I feel so much better now that I got that out. Weight off my chest and all that. And I meant every single word of it. Here’s the thing: this show isn’t without its predictable moments, but it never feels hokey or overwrought or dumb. It brings you along for the wild ride, and even those moments where you know that the Sheriff is in cahoots with the Klaustreich from the first time Nick calls him elicit a more triumphant “I KNEW IT!!” than a disenchanted “UGH, REALLY?!” when the reveal comes. It has never, ever been the second with this show.

Okay, really, my love letter is over, I plomise. Now for the recap:

Nick is going on a weekend getaway (to a place creepily called Whispering Pines) with Juliette so he can finally pop the question, and he’s freaking out all over Hank about work, much like I do when I’m getting ready to go on vacation. Nick, honey, the police station will not burn down in your absence, I assure you. I know. Shh, I know. It’ll be okay. He admits to Hank that he’s scared that Juliette will say no to his proposal, and Nick is such a ball of anxiety it kills me. Come, I’ll cuddle you and make it alllll better.

When he finally leaves, Hank decides to engage in a little light stalking of Adalind using police resources. Wu comes over and they chat a bit. It seems Wu plans to spend the weekend curled up on his snack pantry couch, maybe grab a bite to eat. Ha! Then while Hank isn’t looking, Wu sticks a paperclip in his mouth, and shit, this is way worse than I thought. Quick question about Wu: did he just happened to stick the paperclip in his mouth while Hank was looking away, or did he purposely wait until Hank was looking away? I mean, does Wu really understand what he’s doing? Does he know it’s a compulsion? God, I swear if you writers hurt my Wu. :(

Back out in the woods, a very frightened woman is on the phone with a guy. He was supposed to come get her… from some mystery place. She tells him that she barely got out, and if “he” finds her, “he’ll” be mad. I don’t like the sound of that. She runs home. Outside her barn-red house, we meet “him.” It’s Mike from Ed! God, I miss that show. He’s all, “You know it’s not safe for you to be outside,” and he Wesenfaces out. He’s a cat. She’s also a Wesen, and looks like a chicken, and kind of looks like she’s choking, which is funnynotfunny. Anyway, he drags her inside to feed her a delicious-looking Weirdo Worm Smoothie, which he feeds to her by pumping it down her throat through a tube.

Note to self: never accept a homemade smoothie from anyone ever. Especially if I’m in their house. And they have a basement.

Just up the road, Nick and Juliette are looking for their cabin in Whispering Pines. Nick is man enough to admit he’s lost (love him) and stops to ask for directions at the barn house. Turns out he wasn’t too far off, because their cabin is just up the hill from Mike and Robin’s place (Side note: It took me most of the episode to realize the bird chick’s name was Robin. LOLS). Nick sees the guy Wesen-out, but ignores it.

So he and Juliette get up to the cabin and it really is beautiful. I would love to stay there for a weekend or forever. Especially if it was fall. Alright, it’s settled. I NEED to go to Portlandand/or the surrounding areas on vacay. Nick and Juliette spend the next several minutes being too cute for words. Until they hear a scuffle from the barn house, and Nick calls the Sheriff. Something about the sheriff just didn’t sit right with me here. Maybe it’s a small town, but I have never heard of a cop responding that quickly to a domestic disturbance before. He shows up, chats with Mike (I don’t know the guys name, so I’m just going to call him that – also, I suddenly have the urge to bet him $5 to do something stupid), but doesn’t arrest him. Yeah, something fishy indeed.

Juliette tells Nick that she feels like trouble is following them, and that she thinks they should talk about all the weird shit that’s been going down. And I was totally right last week when I said that they hadn’t even talked about it, because that’s bothering Juliette too. Nick assures her the stuff will calm down, and Nick, honey, no. Just… just no.

Back in Portland, Hank is totally creeping outside Adalind’s apartment. He calls her, but he sees her ignore the call through the window. Some other guy pulls up to the house and Adalind starts sticking her tongue down his throat before he’s even in the door. By the time he comes out Hank is all super-creepily STANDING OUTSIDE HER BUILDING and threatens the guy, which I find both scary and fucking hilarious. Oh, Hank, jealousy does not look good on you.

The guy gets in Renard’s car and aha! It WAS all a ruse! The guy thanks Renard for giving him “the opportunity,” whatever that means. Man, Renard is SO powerful. I don’t think ANY of us really get just how powerful he is just yet. LOVE.

Back out in the woods, Nick can’t spend one night out of Portlandwithout calling Eddie. And with Juliette in the same cabin! For shame! They need to start their B&B pronto. Anyway, Nick needs his help again. He asks about what kind of cat Mike is. Eddie says he’s like an alley cat, a Klaustreich (The Grimm Guide defines this as “scrounging prankster”) – the type of guy that women love, but it never ends well. They’re total jerks. Eddie recalls to Nick about how his high school girlfriend left him for a Klaustreich, got knocked up and ended up delivering the guy’s litter at prom. That is awful, but the imagery is amazing. The Klaustreich wasn’t happy and slashed her face before leaving town. But it’s cool because the cops may not have gotten him, but someone did. Eddie, you are a badass and I love you.

The next morning, Nick tells Juliette that the plans for the day involve her dragging him to as many antique shops as she wants before he makes her dinner, and she’s so happy. Guys, seriously, that kind of shit will get you SO FUCKING FAR. Not antique shops per se, but there is nothing more annoying than a guy heaving and sighing because I’ve been in a store (ANY store) for more than 5 minutes. Really, get yourself together and remember who you’re dealing with. We OWN you.

I mean… where was I?

Ah, yes. Nick is planning dinner, and it’s very cute. They get to the grocery store, and Robin is there talking to a guy who tells her to meet him at 6. The sooner she gets out, the farther away she can get. Juliette comes up a split second later and introduces herself. She tells Robin Nick is a detective, and that if she needs help, they can help her. Robin is SUPER jumpy, and it’s because Mike is in the store too. He’s in the next aisle where the grocer is stocking shelves. Every time the guy leans down and stands back up, Mike is closer, and it’s kind of hilarious. He goes over an aisle and magically Mike is there too! Mike then goes to collect Robin, and as they’re paying Nick sees her Wesen-out, so of course he goes outside to call Eddie right away. <3

Eddie’s in the apothecary shop and YAY ROSALIE! She thanks him for helping out and he’s all “hey, you never know when I might need a discount on…” He grabs a jar and reads the label: “tincture of prickle poppy.” Rosalie smiles and says “Yeah, that’s for romantic stamina.” “Oh, no wonder I didn’t know what it was.” AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE YOU EDDIE.

When Nick calls, Eddie is marginally annoyed, which is adorable. Nick describes the bird and Eddie says she’s a Seltenvogel (literally “rare bird”), though they’re supposedly extinct. In ancient times they were highly valued, he explains. They were kept, “Like a concubine, or a parakeet.” HA! Eddie explains that Seltenvogel produce a large glandular thing called an unbezahlbar, which is like an egg in their throat. When it gets to be… ripe, for the lack of a better word, it has to be delivered. Oh, and also? It’s mostly gold. DADDY, I WANT A GOOSE TO LAY A GOLD EGG FOR EASTER!

Nick assumes the Klaustreich would know this, an Eddie’s all, “if he’s anything like the Klaustreich I knew in high school, when he gets what he wants, she’s going to get plucked. Big time.” And I’m guessing that’s not in a good way.

Back at the barn house, Robin tries to poison/drug Mike’s drink, but he’s not thirsty, natch. But he does get a call that a friend needs a ride, and pointedly tells her “I don’t know how long this is going to take.” Um, gulp? She takes this opportunity to escape (and Nick follows her because he and Juliette are too nosy for their own good), but it’s futile because the friend who needs a ride is actually the grocer, who needs to be killed, apparently. The grocer sees two animal eyes staring at him through the trees and suddenly Mike launches himself at him like he’s goddamn Jack Nicholson in Wolf. He kills him and is there to steal Robin back to the house. Nick shows up shortly thereafter and finds the body. He calls the Sheriff again, and again I am impressed with how good his cell service is all the way out in the woods. God, I need to get an iPhone. Anyway, the sheriff acts SUPER suspicious again, all “WHAT?! A homicide?! NO, SURELY NOT!”

Back at the barn house, Mike (whose name is actually Tim) straps Robin into the feeding chair again and unties her scarf. And, you guys, there is a fucking goitery bulge in her throat. Oh, god. I think I’m gonna vom. He’s all myy precciiioouuussssssss about it, and force feeds her more milky worm juice.

First this show ruins cookies for me and now milk? WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Nick bursts in all badass and hot, and he and Mike/Tim struggle a bit. Mike/Tim runs off and Nick steals Robin away to his and Juliette’s cabin. Nick becomes TikisGrandad, all, “I told the sheriff,” but Robin tells them that the sheriff is Mike/Tim’s cousin and he’s in on the whole thing. I KNEW IT! At the barn house, the sheriff posits that Nick the Grimm just wants Robin for himself so he and Mike/Tim head over. In a panic, Robin escapes and Nick runs after her.

Out in the woods, it’s time. Nick calls Rosalie (and Eddie is totally jealous. Ha!) to walk him through cutting the unbezahlbar out because he don’t know nothing about birthing no golden eggs. He makes an incision and has to dig his hands in there to pull the egg out. It’s gross. They’re all acting like it’s the miracle of life, which is hilarious, but I’ll tell you what. I could have done without the, like, 10 second shot of her throat vagina as Nick assesses that she can breathe better now. I mean WTAF, man?

Anyway, the sheriff and Tim come into the clearing and Nick kind of teases them with the egg, acting like he’s going to break it. He’s kind of being a dick and I love it. He fakes the sheriff out by throwing it in the air and tackles him. Tim catches it and runs off. After the sheriff is subdued, Nick gives chase and Tim trips on a root or something and the egg goes flying. It hits a tree branch and shatters into a million pieces. In what might be the best LOLcop of the season, Nick says, “Well, you know what they say, Tim. In order to make an omelet, you’ve got to break a few eggs.”

Back at home, Nick decides to finally make his own damn special moment and propose to Juliette while she’s chilling on the couch. She takes a while to answer, and finally tells him no. She can’t. He’s so secretive, and she knows Aunt Marie’s death was hard on him, but she can’t tell him yes until he can let her back into his life. You guys, the way Nick leans over across the back of the couch like that, with his face kind of hidden on his arm… I can’t. He finally looks back up at her and HIS EYES ARE RED YOU GUYS AND I CAN’T. Oh, Nick. :(

I have a lot of thoughts on that scene, but let me wrap up the Hank storyline. So after the guy visits, Renard goes to talk to Adalind and tells her it’s time to take it to the next level with Hank. The next time he calls her, she’s to answer it. I don’t really understand why he needs to tell her this with his face so close to hers, but I am totally scared (hopeful?) that they’re going to start making out. He tells her, “Just be who you aren’t.” Ooh, burn? They almost kiss, but he turns away at the last minute. Um, what?

Anyway, faithful as ever, Hank does call again, and he and Adalind make a date. The last scene of the episode is them out at a fancy restaurant, and it looks like they’re having a nice normal date. BUT WE KNOW BETTER – RUN, HANK, RUUUNNNNN!

Okay, gah. I have so many thoughts. SO MANY. But I’ll just leave you with this because I don’t know if I ever mentioned it before. I’m going to be totally superficial for a second (and not about how hot he is, but HEL-LO): David Giuntoli was on Road Rules and The Challenge. I never watched either of those shows because 1) I cannot watch physical challenge shows, besides 2) everyone knows that the best show on MTV at that time was The Real World. But either way, whether warranted or not, I am CONSTANTLY blown away by how FUCKING GOOD he is in this show. The casting dept made the absolute right choice in casting Mr. Giuntoli as lead. I feel bad for judging, and I know it probably hurts my chances with him (HAHAHAHAHA), but y’all. TELL ME you weren’t almost brought to tears when Nick was sitting there so goddamn helpless on the couch. UGH! I can’t with the emotion. So I’ll leave you with these:

Random Thoughts/Quotes

• Is it weird that I get excited whenever there is a Previously on at the beginning of this show?
• Hank calls getting married “the leap in front of the bus.” LOL.
• I really enjoy Nick and Juliette’s head-nuzzling.
• Eddie’s got a Bikram class in the morning “And hot yoga on too little sleep is how groin pulls happen.” That’s why I always went to the evening classes.
•  “She ended up delivering his litter at prom. Her parents were not thrilled.”
• “My groin is fine, thank you.”
• “It appears Detective Griffin is taking favorably to your cookies.” That’s what she said?
• Nick and Juliette allude to the fact that they had sex on the first date. Aww, they ARE meant for each other/very, very horny people.
• Nick is very good at tracking things on moss.
• When he births the egg, all I could think was “I’M A FATHER! I’M A FATHER!” (Dammit all, internets. Why are there no clips of the elevator birth scene in Blankman?!)
• It was a very nice touch having “Season of the Witch” play over that last scene.

So, now I need to know. What did you guys think? What do you think poor Wu is going to eat next? What the fuck is up with the sniffing/almost-kissing between Renard and Adalind? Will Juliette EVER say yes to Nick? Do you think he’ll man up and tell her? I think she could take it! TELL ME EVERYTHING IN THE COMMENTS!