Y’all. Last night’s episode of New Girl, “Secrets,” was the episode where Cece and Schmidt were finally found out. Yep, Winston spilled. He spilled to Nick who immediately spilled to Jess who was not a happy camper.

Which is understandable. At first I was all, “Bitch, calm yo’self,” but then I was all, “No. Nevermind. If my best friend was screwing my roommate and didn’t tell me about it for TWO MONTHS, I would be pissed too.” So basically the entire episode was about Jess and Cece having a fight about the fact that Cece never tells Jess anything because Jess is so judgey, but that Jess tells everyone everything because she’s the type of person who has no secrets. By the end of the episode the fight was resolved.

I know you’re shocked.

The other story of the night belonged to Nick, who’s been banging 21-year-olds ever since his friend Dirk taught him how to. The problem is that Nick is a (mostly) good guy and a terrible liar, so when the girls are like, “So, you’ll call me, right?” as they’re walking out, he’s really really awkward about telling them no. So he normally doesn’t. Or he throws his phone at the wall. Yes, the phone that Fancyman Russell gave to him. Ugh. So to become a better one-night-stand, Nick asks Schmidt, much to Winston’s horror, for advice on how to be a douche bag.

So that happened.

Then there was this whole thing about one of Nick’s conquests not being able to find her circle scarf her therapist gave her, so she came over looking for it because her neck was cold and it turns out that another one of Nick’s conquests comes out of his room wearing the therapy scarf while at the same time Jess and Cece are going at it, so there is a DOUBLE GIRL FIGHT going down.

And then Winston steps in. And it is glorious. He goes all Negro Spiritual voice on them (I’m not being offensive. He really did.), says that Saturday is for SLEEPING, that he and Nick are lovers, and that they all need to leave because he has to eat cereal. It was GLORIOUS. Winston is my favorite.

I also very much enjoyed the discussion of how all of the guys in the apartment have thought about Jess whilst “self-completing.” Because that is entirely realistic. And I love that Jess was super freaked out by learning that (because that is also entirely realistic) and insisted on walking around in a ski mask and covered from head to toe. And I love that Schmidt called her out on it and told her it wouldn’t work and that Nick then told her that by wearing her protective gear, it was actually sort of fulfilling one of his fantasies. Loved it. I’m so glad the writers dropped all of that in because a major criticism of the show is that no straight, single guy would look at Zooey Deschanel and think, “Eh. Not so much.” I’m fairly certain no straight, single girl thinks that either.

And! To top it off, Winston also tells Jess to stop being judgey of the male roomies because he knows she masturbates and probably thinks about them, too. WINSTON, Y’ALL. I’m telling you. He won major points this week.

So at the end of the episode, Jess and Cece are in this marathon thing together. But now that they’re in a fight Cece is hellbent on beating Jess. Then there’s this whole thing about Schmidt wearing a shirt that says, “See Cece Run,” and Jess asks him if Cece was ok with him wearing the shirt, and Schmidt says yeah, so Jess catches up with Cece and is all, “YOU LIKE SCHMIDT.” And Cece is like, “Yeah. Don’t tell anyone.” And they are friends again. Cece even drags Jess across the finish line.

Also, Nick learned how to lie.

Huzzah.

So, this week had A BUNCH of really great lines and exchanges. SO HERE GOES.

Favorite Things

“This makes me hate things.”—Nick, upon learning that Schmidt and Cece are sleeping together.

“J’accuse Miller. J’accuse.”—Jess

Nick: “Just for the record, I told you seconds after I found out.” Jess: “Because you’re weak, Nick. Weak.”

“I don’t want to live in a house of lies, I can’t do it anymore.”—Jess. Y’ALL. When she said this, I. LOST. MY. SHIT. It’s a throwback line to when she was in Almost Famous, which I love more than any human should ever love a movie.

“He said you were going full Poppins.”—Jess to Winston

“Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.”—Jess to Cece

“That was so good my pants just got tight Nick.”—Schmidt, when Nick tells a beautiful lie to the two roommates he slept with when they confront him.

“My shoes are filled with blood. *laughs*”—Jess

“Do you have a mole fetish?”—Winston to Cece

So those are my thoughts on “Secrets.” Tell me all of your thoughts and feelings and, you know, secrets, in comments.