Olympics. Snow boarding, speed skating, and skiing.

You know what, you guys?  I know I promised you a lot of shit talking with our friends the Canadians, but to be quite honest, they’ve been sort of a non-issue, and I feel like shit talking with them at this point would be like kicking a puppy.  I mean, come ON, Canada–fucking FRANCE is beating you in the medal count.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Anyway, last night was an amazing night of Olympics, and I’m totally pumped to follow it up with men’s figure skating tonight.  As a reminder, I’ll be doing an open post that everyone can comment on as the event is happening, so kind of like a chatty, message boardy kind of thing.  Also, I discovered last night that Be Good, Johnny Weir is OnDemand on Comcast for FREE! so I will for sure be watching that as soon as I get a chance.  Thanks for the recommendation NordicByNature AMY.  (Don’t sass me, or I will also use your last name, your address, and discuss your least favorite topic.  You know I will.)

As for the rest of the evening, let’s address it from least to most exciting, shall we? 

Obviously, even though my Olympic boyfriend Apolo Ohno skated in the men’s short track qualifiers, it was the least exciting event because it wasn’t for a medal.  And people, when boyfriend Apolo skating is the least exciting event, you KNOW it’s a good night to be watching.

We also had the men’s long track, which is so just so much less exciting than short track, and I agree with whoever commented that it’s kind of a drag that only two people go at a time.  Still, I thought it was exciting, especially as a current Chicagoan, but then Billy informed me that Shani Davis is “a miserable prick”.  I never know about Olympic drama, apparently, but I guess he was being a douche about Steven Colbert sponsoring them earlier in the year.  And to that I say, yes, that is douchey.  Money is money, and it’s not like it was from fucking blood diamonds or something.  So if Stephen Colbert wants to sponsor me, I say bring it!

Still, it did not stop me from starting my first USA! USA! USA! chant of the night.  Also, I did that during every single event and Billy was kind enough to humor me and join in, and join in on the fist pumping.  Flash was a little scared and the cat was slightly less disinterested in us for a minute, so I think you could call it a successful chant.

The next two events were about equally as awesome but for totally different reasons, so I’m going to go with the one that I slightly less enjoyed watching, although still enjoyed very much, and that is the women’s downhill skiing.  I mean, before getting to the obvious excitement, there was SO MUCH FALLING.  Is it wrong that I enjoy watching wipeouts so much?  I mean, I hope that no one was seriously hurt, but it just kind of adds something to the experience for me.  Should I feel bad about this?  Because I totally don’t.

Anyway, Lindsey Vonn winning was ADORABLE.  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone that excited, EVER, to win the gold, and that’s saying a lot.  All the smiling and crying was just so goddamn adorable.  I can see why everyone loves her so much, she’s a total doll.

Okay, speaking of that … Julia Mancuso getting silver was pretty great too, but I thought I started to remember from Torino that a lot of people don’t like her.  Is that right, or am I making that up?  I mean, I can see where certain things she does, like the tiara and dancing on the podium, would be annoying to people, but those things actually make me like her a lot.  Now if she’s a bitch otherwise, that’s something else entirely, but tiaras and dancing are SO on my good list.

But man, you can just TELL that those two aren’t buddies whatsoever.  Like the reporters are trying to ask them questions about being on the podium together, and they’re all, “Uh, yeah, we’ve been competing for a long time and winning the medal means so much to ME because I …” blah blah blah, and they basically dodge the question.  And they don’t seem to speak to each other or even make eye contact.  They’re like two strangers who are always within about a yard of each other.  It’s so bizarre.  I mean, especially when you make the comparison between Shannon Bahrke about knocking Hannah Kearney over when she won the gold in moguls, it’s just a drastic difference.  Did anyone else notice this?

Alright, now for the highlight of my night, which was watching the men’s snowboarding half-pipe.  Seriously, there is just nothing like watching Shaun White snowboard–he’s a total natural, and there are people that could work their entire lives and never be as good as he is when he’s not even trying.  And I’m not talking people like me, either–I’m talking about people that were actually THERE last night.  It’s gotta be frustrating to be one of those people, but how you can you even be mad?  The guy is a total virtuoso–it’s just really something to see.

I mean, even on his “safe run” he scored enough to win the gold.  That is insane.  And speaking of insane, I know nothing about snowboarding (or skateboarding) except that I would never want to do it because it looks extremely difficult in all of the ways that I am already challenged, namely balance and fearlessness, but even I could see that his trick at the end was RIDICULOUSLY impressive.  Me and Billy were both in total awe.

And dude, I just fucking love Shaun White so much.  And I still call him The Flying Tomato, even though I know he hates it.  He really should just embrace it, because it’s a cool nickname.  And I mean, I know I say all the time that he would make a really attractive woman with not at all that much makeup, and it’s true, and I stand beside it, but also, I totally have an Olympic crush on him.

So, for the record, my Olympic crushes are as follows:

Olympic Gay BFF Crush: TOTALLY Johnny Weir.

Olympic Girl Crush: probably Julia Mancuso, even though I know it should be Lindsey Vonn.  That I would even choose possibly dysfunctional girl crushes probably says more about me than I would really like to know.

Olympic Boyfriend Crush: Apolo Ohno, for obvious reasons–EVERYONE has an Olympic crush on him.

And Olympic TOTALLY Different Kind of Boyfriend Crush: Shaun White.  Because here is the deal.  Apolo is the Olympic Boyfriend you bring home to meet the parents and possibly settle down with.  Shaun White is the Olympic Boyfriend that you go out with in college, when you’re in your rebellious and experimental phase.  You know it probably can’t last, but he’s so fun and easy to be with that you just enjoy your carefree youth as it happens.

Because seriously, you guys … he is such a stoner.  I mean, honest to god, who is on a ski lift, doing a fairly serious and introspective interview, and ends it with the phrase “freaky deaky”?  And seriously, as Billy asked last night, do they even bother to drug test the snowboarders?  Because I’m thinking maybe they test them for steroids but just let the pot slide.  I mean, SURELY, right?  There can’t be that many fake potheads, can there? 

And also, I just think it’s AMAZING how different snowboarding culture obviously is from everything else, even skiing really, which I would think would be the closest.  But I mean, can you imagine the pairs figure skating culture being ANYTHING like snowboarding?  Because I sure as fuck can’t.  Curling?  Hell no.  It’s like … I really think that they care much less about winning anything and way more about being awesome.  Like … that is the entire goal as a snowboarder.  Just to BE AWESOME.  And that’s a great goal.  I think I should start applying that to my life.

Anyway, Shaun White was great, and I loved how excited he was, even after his “safe run” because he felt like he did a good job.  And I know there are those who would disagree, but I really enjoyed NBC letting us listen in on him and stoner entourage debating what to do for the final run, since he already had the gold.  Billy liked the idea of just snowboarding down the middle of the pipe, because he thought it would be totally punk rock.  And then Billy added that he should slide down the middle with both middle fingers up to make it even MORE punk rock. 

I am not such a fan of that idea.  I mean, even if it IS snowboarding, it’s still the Olympics and while yes, that would be badass, I just am not so sure they’d take that one sitting down.  Plus, I wanted to see what kind of awesomeness The Tomato would bring to the table when there was absolutely no pressure, and hello, he brought it.  He’s just such a likeable dude, and on top of that, being able to make everyone go, “WHOA!” is so cool.  Does anyone know if he has any more events or if that was it?  Because I’ve gotta be honest, I wanted more.

What did you think of last night?  Were you as excited about last night’s events as I was, or was it all just prelude for you to tonight’s figure skating events?  What was your favorite?  What other Olympians are assholes that I never knew about?  And did any of last night’s three gold medals (!!!) get you a little teary-eyed?  Let’s chat it up in the comments!

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  • Patty

    Shawn might have loved getting the gold but you know he and his pals were really there for the Canadian weed and all the chicks you KNOW they are banking in the village. Bow-chicka-bow-bow!

  • Strunkette

    The best part about primetime olympics coverage is you know that there is some significance to everything they show. After watching the 2nd non-usa skiier I knew that we’d be watching a lot of crashing…is it bad that I was smiling with glee?? I love that Vonn won, but using men’s skis, and getting such an advantage for doing so, made me think it was a bit unfair. Although that could have just been the commentators making a huge deal about it. I’m sure she’s really good regardless and she definitely deserved the win. I suppose its a bit like Shaun having his own personal half-pipe on a mountain with a foam pit to safely come up with really sick tricks.

  • offcolortv

    Oh, the Canadian weed and slutty Olympic Village, while not directly connected, reminded me that during the qualifiers, did you guys notice Shaun White texting (or whatever) on his iPhone? Two things about that–first of all, is Apple paying him? Because if they aren’t, they should. Secondly, again, I cannot picture another sport where someone would DO that.

    Strunkette, I don’t know how but I somehow missed the entire commentary about her using men’s skis. To me, that’s only unfair if it’s against the rules. If it’s not, then anyone else could’ve done it too, and it’s understandable to use every advantage available to you. So if the IOC doesn’t like it, they can outlaw it, but if there’s not a rule, I don’t feel too bad for anyone.

    Dude, I also can’t believe I forgot to mention that personal halfpipe. GEEZ. That thing is incredible, I mean really and truly, but I don’t think I realized until that point exactly how much money Shaun White has. I knew he was rich, but sweet Jesus.

  • Patty

    I don’t give a rats pooter what they use as skis. I agree, if it’s not in the rules that it’s illegal? She could use 2×4′s and I wouldn’t care.

    How cool would it be if someone did the downhill on 2×4′s?

  • Marthapao

    Hahaha I loved Shaun White and the Big Mac awesomeness!!

    My Olympic Gay BFF crush is Evan as you would have suspected, because in my mind he is gay! hahaha

    My Olympic boyfriend crush is also Evan because he is so pretty and seems like a total asshole, but I would totally cheat on his ass with Plushy (just so I could call him Plushy to his face hahaha). You gotta be an asshole to the assholes! And it is only figurative, thank you very much! LMAO

    Apolo Ohno, Shaun White and Johnny would so be my buddies to party till the next morning with. I would so be hitting up the gay clubs with Johnny. LOL

    In girl crushes I am actually at lot less dysfuntional, and would go for Lindsey Vonn, she just seems chill (and I can use that word because we are also talking about snowboarding here.)

    By the way if I post my address here will someone show up with weed and wine coolers? Please? ;) hahaha

  • Strunkette

    Oh, it’s not illegal or anything and I agree that in this day and age you have to really evolve and find what you can do to change the sport. Much like Shaun and his changing of snowboarding as a sport. The stuff that won him a gold medal four years ago wouldn’t even get him in the Olympics this year. I think all the other girls were shocked when Lindsay started skiing with the men’s skis more so because they didn’t think of it first ( I’m such a ski-illiterate person, I didn’t even know there were different ones for men and women.) I think one of the other ladies tried to ski with men’s skis and said it was really hard. I’m sure by next time they’ll all have them. Vonn just seemed to be so untouchable. I like things to be more exciting.

    I’m sure Shaun owns the mountain its on too. Oh, and the tiny little American kid seemed like more of stoner than Shaun and that’s saying something!

  • Marthapao

    Oh and on Lindsey using guy skiis, its a lot harder for a woman to use them and she probably had to do some extra practice to just get used to them so that actually makes me respect her more. Its like a boxer who learns to fight southpaw just because he is fighting a southpaw. Too technical?

  • offcolortv

    I understand what you’re saying, Strunkette, about wanting it to be more of a competition. I think I’m just a little bit over these sports right now where everything is coming down to hundredths of a second, and I’m sort of welcoming the “blowouts” of a second or so. Plus, I feel like if someone wins by a hundredth of a second, maybe they just got lucky. If you win by a full second, you’re the best one there. And especially if someone else thought using men’s skis was hard, it seems like even if they DID give her an advantage, she might have had to work for it. But I’m totally ski-illiterate too.

    Dude, Louie Vito. That is a name. Me and Billy thought he looked exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, like a Hobbit. Vito Baggins. :)

    And 2 x 4s. Hee! Patty, you always have such good ideas.

  • Strunkette

    I don’t want you guys to think I’m down on Lindsay or anything. I’m really happy she won especially with all of the injuries she’s had in her career. I think it stems more from how much they were going on and on about the fact that she was using men’s skis and she was the only one, etc. They made it sound like it was a huge advantage. Plus I hate the fact that the media lock onto her shin injury and made it sound like she broke her leg and still decided to compete. She got an injury told the world, the today show grilled her about it daily, and she decided to race. Shit happens. She knows that as do all other athletes. I repeat I really like her and am super happy for her. :)

  • Strunkette

    Oh, I’m not boxing illiterate. I do have a Wii and am killer at the rhythm boxing hehe!

  • offcolortv

    Strunkette, I don’t think you’re down on her, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way! I just think it’s such an interesting discussion to have, ESPECIALLY if the media was beating it into the ground (as they do). And I’m sure there are people that felt like it was an unfair advantage, so I guess I’m more just responding to that, not that I think it’s your personal opinion.

    And I have increased respect for you now after hearing about Wii boxing. It kicked my ass. I did it once for like a game or two and was sore for about three days. :)

  • http://www.thedigitante.com Andy – The Digitante

    My two highlights:

    1) The French chick falling in the downhill. She got three pushes out of the gate before she tumbled into a heap. How could you ever live that down? “Did I ever tell you about the time I was in the Olympics?”

    2) Lindsay Vonn’s interview and hug with her boyfriend or husband got me a little dusty. With the shin injury, rough course, all the wrecks, and a gold medal, I can’t imagine how drained you would be emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally, and any other -ly you can think of.

    As for the men’s skis thing, some of the other chicks practiced with the men’s skis and said they couldn’t handle them. If LV can handle them, that obviously says something. If everyone was racing their go carts in the backyard and your buddy could hand an Indy car and there was no rule against it, why wouldn’t he?

  • Strunkette

    Andy- I also loved how she pretty much said she really didn’t care what happened in the other events because she got her gold. She wasn’t all about the 5 gold medals everyone else was talking about, she just wanted to come, compete well, and take home a gold medal! Geez give her 5 minutes to relish in her victory and screw the other races in that moment :)

    SB- I didn’t think you were out of line at all. I, like you, just found it interesting. I don’t always express myself the best when I’m in a hurry…or ever… I’m glad I could spark some controversy. Its easy to miss stuff when you’ve got DVR and use it as much as I do.

  • Vanessa

    Shaun White = my Olympic boyfriend. This is not shocking as you all have already talked about all the reasons he is awesome! I also locked on to Bode Miller the other day as he is HOT and a pretty bad ass skier. I admit that I got a bit misty when Lindsay Vonn was bawling. I’m a sympathy crier! What can I say? Last night was quite possibly the best night of Olympics ever! I really hope all the snow boarding is not over cause if this is the end of Shaun White and the awesomeness that is snowboard cross, I will be very sad. Oh, and Lindsay using men’s skis is badass. I think they talked about it so much because it is really hard to master. The longer skis are harder to control, but if you can master it you can go a lot faster. She just made me nervous flying down that course. I was expecting her to go flying off at any moment. Can we talk about the girl who wiped out at the end and after tumbling/sliding forever then hit that huge bump?! I never want anyone seriously hurt, but seeing crashes like that make sports more exciting. You can see what the risks are and watch more closely just waiting for someone to bite it.

    Bring on the figure skating! As a side note, while I think Evan is hot (and seemingly douchey) it is his tanness that I can’t get over. Did he spend too long in the fake bake or is it too much make up? Either way, not my thing. Supposedly he is straight as he was dating Tanith Belbin (that ice dancing chick) who Johnny Weir is rooming with. I read somewhere that Evan, Johnny, and Tanith all requested single rooms in the Olympic village. All that was available was 1 single and 1 double. Johnny and Tanith decided to room together since neither of them could handle rooming with Evan. Apparently Johnny is quite the decorator (shocking!).

  • Kimber

    Hey! I’m here, but where is my fellow Canadian, TONicole? She’s gotta side with me on how awesome Canada is, and how we don’t need no stinking medals to make us awesome! And is @hockeybychoice on here too, or just over in Twitterland?

    I’m not really super into the Olympics, or at least as much as you guys all seem to be … but what I’ve seen I’ve enjoyed! Missed out completely on the skating … WTF? But I’ll try and get back into it again tonight. I did see the downhill skiing yesterday, and could not turn my TV off, even when it was way past my bedtime. How freaking adorable was Lindsay Vonn? Seriously. I have a major crush on her, in her little toque (because toques totally turn Canadians on). I loved how the camera kept catching her expressions as her fellow skiers came downhill, and her concern when some went ass-over-tea-kettle. I’m a jerk, and I kind of enjoy watching people fall. I mean, not in the “I hope you die a grisly death, and then have it broadcast for the world to see” way, but you know … in a “ooh, that’s gotta hurt … but it was also cool to watch!” way. Does that make me a total douche?

    And I have to say that although I’m not certain Shaun White is “hot” in my books, he does have fantastic hair. Can I have a crush on his hair? Because if so, I’m there. I would kill to have hair that red, and that curly, and that freaking shiny and gorgeous.

    Ok, so I hear that Little Brother Canada has taken another gold medal. Ha! Take that France, and eat our underpants! So see, there’s hope for our sweet little country afterall!

  • ANL

    Popping up to say I love lurking and reading your posts – the constant ability to make me laugh out loud is excellent!

    Some weed/snowboarder trivia for you…Ross Rebagliati (go Canada!) was the first to win an Olympic gold medal for snowboarding in 1998. After winning they found pot in his system and he was automatically disqualified but got the medal back because pot was not on the list of banned substances.

  • offcolortv

    Andy, way to bring Indy car into it–very hoosier of you, I’m proud! :)

    Strunkette, I also loved her totally not caring what was next. It was one of the many, many reasons why she’s so easy to like.

    Vanessa, Bode Miller–now THERE’S a douche. Somebody call in Marthapao, she’ll love him too! :) But yeah, I will concede on the hotness. And hahahahahaha to the tanning! He’s like the Snooki of the Olympics! And seriously, I loved the Olympic roommate story–good stuff. :)

    Kimber, I suppose I can see why you wouldn’t be as into the Olympics as we are, since the US is pretty dominant, but I’m glad you’ve been enjoying what you’ve gotten to see. And I’m glad I’m not alone in loving the falling. And YES, you can totally have an Olympic Hair Crush. It’s so justifiable.

    ANL!!! I love the lurkers and I’m so glad that you delurked to give us that trivia. That makes total sense, and doesn’t surprise me at all. I wonder if it’s still that way. And please come back anytime! We love friends and commenters, and we might just turn you regular–ask Vanessa!

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