You know what, you guys? I know I promised you a lot of shit talking with our friends the Canadians, but to be quite honest, they’ve been sort of a non-issue, and I feel like shit talking with them at this point would be like kicking a puppy. I mean, come ON, Canada–fucking FRANCE is beating you in the medal count. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Anyway, last night was an amazing night of Olympics, and I’m totally pumped to follow it up with men’s figure skating tonight. As a reminder, I’ll be doing an open post that everyone can comment on as the event is happening, so kind of like a chatty, message boardy kind of thing. Also, I discovered last night that Be Good, Johnny Weir is OnDemand on Comcast for FREE! so I will for sure be watching that as soon as I get a chance. Thanks for the recommendation NordicByNature AMY. (Don’t sass me, or I will also use your last name, your address, and discuss your least favorite topic. You know I will.)
As for the rest of the evening, let’s address it from least to most exciting, shall we?
Obviously, even though my Olympic boyfriend Apolo Ohno skated in the men’s short track qualifiers, it was the least exciting event because it wasn’t for a medal. And people, when boyfriend Apolo skating is the least exciting event, you KNOW it’s a good night to be watching.
We also had the men’s long track, which is so just so much less exciting than short track, and I agree with whoever commented that it’s kind of a drag that only two people go at a time. Still, I thought it was exciting, especially as a current Chicagoan, but then Billy informed me that Shani Davis is “a miserable prick”. I never know about Olympic drama, apparently, but I guess he was being a douche about Steven Colbert sponsoring them earlier in the year. And to that I say, yes, that is douchey. Money is money, and it’s not like it was from fucking blood diamonds or something. So if Stephen Colbert wants to sponsor me, I say bring it!
Still, it did not stop me from starting my first USA! USA! USA! chant of the night. Also, I did that during every single event and Billy was kind enough to humor me and join in, and join in on the fist pumping. Flash was a little scared and the cat was slightly less disinterested in us for a minute, so I think you could call it a successful chant.
The next two events were about equally as awesome but for totally different reasons, so I’m going to go with the one that I slightly less enjoyed watching, although still enjoyed very much, and that is the women’s downhill skiing. I mean, before getting to the obvious excitement, there was SO MUCH FALLING. Is it wrong that I enjoy watching wipeouts so much? I mean, I hope that no one was seriously hurt, but it just kind of adds something to the experience for me. Should I feel bad about this? Because I totally don’t.
Anyway, Lindsey Vonn winning was ADORABLE. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone that excited, EVER, to win the gold, and that’s saying a lot. All the smiling and crying was just so goddamn adorable. I can see why everyone loves her so much, she’s a total doll.
Okay, speaking of that … Julia Mancuso getting silver was pretty great too, but I thought I started to remember from Torino that a lot of people don’t like her. Is that right, or am I making that up? I mean, I can see where certain things she does, like the tiara and dancing on the podium, would be annoying to people, but those things actually make me like her a lot. Now if she’s a bitch otherwise, that’s something else entirely, but tiaras and dancing are SO on my good list.
But man, you can just TELL that those two aren’t buddies whatsoever. Like the reporters are trying to ask them questions about being on the podium together, and they’re all, “Uh, yeah, we’ve been competing for a long time and winning the medal means so much to ME because I …” blah blah blah, and they basically dodge the question. And they don’t seem to speak to each other or even make eye contact. They’re like two strangers who are always within about a yard of each other. It’s so bizarre. I mean, especially when you make the comparison between Shannon Bahrke about knocking Hannah Kearney over when she won the gold in moguls, it’s just a drastic difference. Did anyone else notice this?
Alright, now for the highlight of my night, which was watching the men’s snowboarding half-pipe. Seriously, there is just nothing like watching Shaun White snowboard–he’s a total natural, and there are people that could work their entire lives and never be as good as he is when he’s not even trying. And I’m not talking people like me, either–I’m talking about people that were actually THERE last night. It’s gotta be frustrating to be one of those people, but how you can you even be mad? The guy is a total virtuoso–it’s just really something to see.
I mean, even on his “safe run” he scored enough to win the gold. That is insane. And speaking of insane, I know nothing about snowboarding (or skateboarding) except that I would never want to do it because it looks extremely difficult in all of the ways that I am already challenged, namely balance and fearlessness, but even I could see that his trick at the end was RIDICULOUSLY impressive. Me and Billy were both in total awe.
And dude, I just fucking love Shaun White so much. And I still call him The Flying Tomato, even though I know he hates it. He really should just embrace it, because it’s a cool nickname. And I mean, I know I say all the time that he would make a really attractive woman with not at all that much makeup, and it’s true, and I stand beside it, but also, I totally have an Olympic crush on him.
So, for the record, my Olympic crushes are as follows:
Olympic Gay BFF Crush: TOTALLY Johnny Weir.
Olympic Girl Crush: probably Julia Mancuso, even though I know it should be Lindsey Vonn. That I would even choose possibly dysfunctional girl crushes probably says more about me than I would really like to know.
Olympic Boyfriend Crush: Apolo Ohno, for obvious reasons–EVERYONE has an Olympic crush on him.
And Olympic TOTALLY Different Kind of Boyfriend Crush: Shaun White. Because here is the deal. Apolo is the Olympic Boyfriend you bring home to meet the parents and possibly settle down with. Shaun White is the Olympic Boyfriend that you go out with in college, when you’re in your rebellious and experimental phase. You know it probably can’t last, but he’s so fun and easy to be with that you just enjoy your carefree youth as it happens.
Because seriously, you guys … he is such a stoner. I mean, honest to god, who is on a ski lift, doing a fairly serious and introspective interview, and ends it with the phrase “freaky deaky”? And seriously, as Billy asked last night, do they even bother to drug test the snowboarders? Because I’m thinking maybe they test them for steroids but just let the pot slide. I mean, SURELY, right? There can’t be that many fake potheads, can there?
And also, I just think it’s AMAZING how different snowboarding culture obviously is from everything else, even skiing really, which I would think would be the closest. But I mean, can you imagine the pairs figure skating culture being ANYTHING like snowboarding? Because I sure as fuck can’t. Curling? Hell no. It’s like … I really think that they care much less about winning anything and way more about being awesome. Like … that is the entire goal as a snowboarder. Just to BE AWESOME. And that’s a great goal. I think I should start applying that to my life.
Anyway, Shaun White was great, and I loved how excited he was, even after his “safe run” because he felt like he did a good job. And I know there are those who would disagree, but I really enjoyed NBC letting us listen in on him and stoner entourage debating what to do for the final run, since he already had the gold. Billy liked the idea of just snowboarding down the middle of the pipe, because he thought it would be totally punk rock. And then Billy added that he should slide down the middle with both middle fingers up to make it even MORE punk rock.
I am not such a fan of that idea. I mean, even if it IS snowboarding, it’s still the Olympics and while yes, that would be badass, I just am not so sure they’d take that one sitting down. Plus, I wanted to see what kind of awesomeness The Tomato would bring to the table when there was absolutely no pressure, and hello, he brought it. He’s just such a likeable dude, and on top of that, being able to make everyone go, “WHOA!” is so cool. Does anyone know if he has any more events or if that was it? Because I’ve gotta be honest, I wanted more.
What did you think of last night? Were you as excited about last night’s events as I was, or was it all just prelude for you to tonight’s figure skating events? What was your favorite? What other Olympians are assholes that I never knew about? And did any of last night’s three gold medals (!!!) get you a little teary-eyed? Let’s chat it up in the comments!