No not that salsa made in New York City!

Well, we’re down to the final two Happy Endings episodes this season and to be brutally honest I felt pretty blah about last night’s episode, “Big White Lies”. Since I like to keep these recaps fun and hilarious, I’m just going to get my negative Nancy shit out of the way now so stick with me while I get super serious and air out my feelings, mkay? First off, Alex totally won the episode which makes me upset that I didn’t enjoy it more because I now want to be bffs with Al after Brax adopts me. Secondly, everything else about the episode was just ‘meh’ for me (except for Brad) and, guys, you know how much it pains me to say such things about my one true love.

I think it comes back to how most guest stars irritate the fuck out of me (Mary Elizabeth Ellis definitely achieved this, Ben Falcone did not) but also I’ve come to realize I don’t particularly care for Penny-centric episodes either. Penny is the friend I’d fucking screen my calls for and only meet up with every two months when a group of us are getting together. Basically, what you just learned was that needy, neurotic, boy-obsessed bitches and I don’t mix. This begs me to ask again, WHEN DID ALEX BECOME MY SPIRIT ANIMAL?! Anyway, enough of the depressing feelings. Let’s get to actually recapping this bitch.

Obviously if you have any type of reading comprehension skills you could probably tell that lying plays a big part in last night’s episode. I mean, they weren’t lies that impeded justice or anything. They were simple white lies which we’ve all told multiple times. I mean, I tell white lies all the time. Mostly they’re to Cale just to placate him about his ideas which I think are stupid or just to keep him from changing for the 20th time. Still, the Cabbage Patch Kids took it to a whole other extreme. Basically, they had reached DEFCON 1 of the white lies games all because they wanted Daphne, nosy neighbor from childhood, to think they were nice while Penny had the added pressure of not wanting to hurt her feelings by not sitting down to tea and crumpets. So who lied about what?

We had Jane and Brad playing house with a fictional pregnancy which included an impromptu baby shower complete with breast pumps and baby tuxedos. Alex turned lesbo as an explanation as to why she left Dave at the altar thus having to embrace her inner-Ellen complete with a fabulous pant suit and imaginary table dancing. Dave was assigned an unknown terminal disease by Alex so that he wasn’t forced to skip ‘Skip to My Lou’ with Daphne and her East India Company supply of tea. Not surprisingly, Dave and his moral code were NOT cool with this treacherous deceit.  Max, who had to halt Dave’s white knight complex, fibbed about financial ruin thanks to that douchetard Bernie Madoff. Then there’s Penny’s lies. Yes MULTIPLE lies which span back over 20 years so I can’t possibly recount them all here for y’alls pleasure. Thank god for her lieble or how else could she keep the web of deceit her spun straight.

If keeping lies straight wasn’t a big enough problem for Max and Dave, they’re forced to contend with their landlord, Darren, who is determined to evict their asses. Reason for the eviction? Max and Dave are apparently major sluts who have way too many guys and gals staying over. This is probably due to Max’s ingenious idea of turning the place into a bed and breakfast way back when but it also could just be that Max and Dave are embracing their inner sluts like previously stated. Eventually, Max convinces Darren to simmer down with the promise that Alex likes and wants to date him but only if he brings her favorite salsa, Pace Picante, (FYI- Pace salsa is my favorite salsa. Also I really miss their commercials like this one) to Jane and Brad’s baby shower.

Ultimately, thanks to Brad and Jane arguing about to how raise their imaginary baby the whole charade comes tumbling down like in Inception when one’s mind becomes aware of intruders. Luckily, Daphne understands and is sort of touched by Penny’s elaborate scheme to spare her feelings. She also learns that she might have to join a tea lover’s support group to help her with her addiction. I bet she’s has Earl Grey stashed in pillows. Don’t feel too bad for Daphne though because Darren, after being turned down by Alex again, says he doesn’t mind her obsession and would love to get down on some Bigelow’s Spearmint flavored tea with her. The group can celebrate their scheming achievement at the Kerkovich-Williams lake house with hot dogs and beer over Memorial Day weekend where they can relive their favorite Salute Your Shorts moments.

Other Thoughts/Observations:

• Penny is obsessed w/ free-standing houses.
• I’m proud that Max knows brisket should always be smoked for long periods of time in order to ensure tenderness.
• How did Dave get out of the elevator? Did he get angry and turn into the Hulk?
• Brad’s excited freak out over adorable baby clothes is the best. Also the day DWJ has a scene with a real baby is the day that the world’s population of ovaries will explode. Buy umbrellas now fellas.
• I’m petitioning now for Little Penny to play adult Penny. She was AWESOME.
• Alex is seriously the best thing ever about this episode. Her impersonation of Ellen and arm wrestling in the bathroom with a fellow lesbian-PURE GENIUS. I want to hug Elisha and be her best friend after this episode.
• If Penny = Emily Thorne does that mean Max = Nolan?
• I do not want Max to ever be my fortune teller.
• Why the fuck do Penny and Al have an Analyze That poster?
• The TrashDump™ reminds me of J5.
• When the hell are we going to meet the Kerkovich family?! Also if Ted Danson isn’t the dad I’m going to be devastated. He is the perfect dad to Jane and Alex in my head.
• Penis stuff should totally be standard at a baby shower. I mean, half the baby does shoot out of one.

Top Quotes of the Night:

• “What kind of loser drinks tea?”
• “Turns out filling an air mattress with water does not a waterbed make.”
• “You know I love low-stakes classic 80s danger.”
• “I always had a suspicion that you were secretly nice.” (True story: My sister and I have been told similar things in our lives. Apparently because we didn’t smile in the halls in school people thought we were fucking bitches. I mean, they’re not far off but we are nice if we like you.)
• “Serbian tradition. We always do things early because we never know when we’re going to need to pack up and murder a populus.”
• “She’s a demon.”
• “I called it my lie bible. Or lieble.”
• “Dude you’re trying to patent Trisket, how about you step off.”
• “No, I’m not pretending I’m pregnant anymore. This isn’t eighth grade gym class.”
• “The dip or the dance?”
• “I don’t know two better people to make a mockery out of such a joyous occasion.”
• “I’m cutting these tags. I’m never giving this back.”
• “I had to go ghost protocol on him.”
• “Technically if you stay home you won’t have to pump your canisters.”

Alex Top Quotes of the Night (C’mon guys she deserves it this week):

• “So what kind of penis stuff should I get?”- Top line of the night.
• “Hey I’m not just some blonde. I’m a bottle blonde.”
• “Oh my God, buy a lake house already so we can stop hearing about your big, black dock already.” “Al!” “Oh I get it, I was supposed to say big African American dock. I’m sorry.”
• “Max! Life is not like ‘Three’s Company’.”
• “I figure if I’ve got to be a lesbian, I might as well go straight to the top.”
• “Times have a changed, lesbians can use the ladies room now. Deal with it.”
• “It’s not a choice.”
• “Because I’m Ellen… and I’m straight.”

Webisode:

Here watch this. Now!

Okay y’all, that’s it for me this week! Next week is the season finale so prepare yourselves to say goodbye to our favorite group of misfits until next fall. But don’t worry, my recaps will be here to comfort you whenever you want. Don’t forget to talk to me in the comments! Only a few of you did last week so don’t make me threaten y’all with not doing this again next year. Tell me what you though of this episode. Did you like or think it was kind of boring like I did? If I give Alex the ‘Fuck Yeah Aggro Crag’ Award for the whole season would you be upset? Does Penny get on your nerves? Would you eat Max’s cooking? Do you know how Dave got out of the elevator? Talk to me and let me know you care with comments.