So, how many of you had visions of terrifying dolls dancing in your heads last night as you tried to sleep, knowing that we’re just one week away from learning the answer to one of the 7,000 questions this show has raised and not answered when this season blessedly, finally, comes to an end? I know I can’t wait (I’m not even being sarcastic because I still hold out hope for my DREAM REVEAL) – and after last night I’m convinced that the show will at least crank the insanity dial to 11. The one thing that this show does not fuck around with is camp, and last night’s episode was so camp you could have set up a tent, built a bonfire and roasted marshmallows on it. There were evil dolls, evil children, evil old ladies, evil dioramas…the diorama was divine, wasn’t it? Let’s break it down now.
Where to start? I guess let’s begin with the obvious – the dolls. The girls found clues in Allie’s bag leading them back to the doll hospital (still totally a thing that would exist in the world), where they met an old lady and a devil child.
And yet, she did NOT point this out to her friends. This is the kind of thing that you DEFINITELY point out to your friends, you know? These girls are THE WORST when it comes to following up on something important – they’d rather share shocked glances, walk away, then ask questions later. This scene was a rare solo example of this trend. But what can you expect from a girl wearing this:
Oh, we’re going back to the doll hospital? Let me just put on my black miniskirt and then a long pink see through slip on top of it – that seems like the most practical thing – Aria. Turned out that the kid pulling an E.T. in the window is possibly psychic? Ugh. I have no problem with supernatural elements on a show that is ABOUT those things, but if you start off about real people with no magic powers, you can’t just start tossing psychic kids into the mix two years in. At least by the end of the episode I was convinced he’s not really psychic – just doing what he’s told by his grandmother and/or kidnapper who was being paid (by Glovesy?) to scare the girls off, which is SO not going to work – these girls never afraid when they’re supposed to be. But for a little kid, he sure sold the ‘menacing’ thing well. Look at this wittle face:
So, of course the girls leave the store with tons of unasked questions, and of course they have to go back later that night under the cover of darkness, because that is their jam. And when they do, of course they go immediately to the basement and the lights shut off instantly. SHOCKER! Who could possibly have seen that coming? Then they hear a deeply troubling Chucky-like voice repeating ‘Follow me, end up like me’ over and over and over and OVER and OVER again (For a minute, I was scared that I might never NOT be hearing that phrase since it went on for so goddamn long), so they followed it to a cabinet, which contained the aforementioned diorama:
AHAHAHAHA. Love it so much. Then all of the dolls started hurling themselves at the girls (someone was throwing them – did you catch the real face behind the mask at one point? I’m guessing it was our favorite lil’ tyke – no way was that old lady climbing shelves and pushing shit over like that), so they ran off. Things are starting to get pretty Scooby Doo on this show at this point, no? Maybe Old Lady Doll Hospital will pull off her face to reveal that she’s Ezra next week?
Speaking of Ezra, there was a WHOLE MESS OF CRAP happening with those two. To the shock of no one, Aria acted like a complete twat about everything. I am no fan of Byron, but fuck! That threat she tossed in Ella’s face was way harsh, Tai. Aria threatening to call the Dean about her dad’s relationship with his grad student was like the pot calling the kettle an inappropriate sex-haver. A youngish, weeping prof banging a grad student is about as scandalous and unexpected as rainstorms in April. On the other hand, a 20-something teacher wooing a high school student is something that grosses people out and inspires Lifetime movies for those same people so that they can be grossed out all over again but this time make a drinking game out of it. At least Ella fired back with a SCATHING rebuttle, which was VERY well done and would have reduced me to absolute tears if my mom ever said those things to me. But not Aria, because she is a cunt and a half. Speaking of inappropriate sex, Aria and Ezra finally had some!
Congrats for falling into the world’s oldest trap, Aria! You know, the one where the seemingly nice/actually sinister dude doesn’t lay a hand on you for months and then makes tender, gentle love to you right before he pretends to go to his parents house to update his resume but actually stays in town and then kidnaps and tortures you (pleasepleasepleaseplease)? Those kinds of guys LOVE to make you fall in love with them and take your flower before killing you – it’s their whole thing! I am aware that it’s entirely possible that I’ll be writing a post next week lamenting the fact that Ezra really is just the world’s most boring pedophile, but for now, I choose to look on the bright side (and yes, in this case the bright side is that he is a homicidal maniac – what of it?).
Do we reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly think that Ezra got fired from his job so suddenly? Did Weeping Poet Dad rat him out from Vermont, where he was apparently handing in his daughter’s boarding school application in person for some reason? Something in the water ain’t clean there. You don’t get fired the day after you turn down a huge promotion, right? That’s not cause for dismissal. And what other cause could they have other than the fact that he was a pedo? And if they knew that, then why were they offering him the keys to the kingdom just two days ago? Besides, even if WPD DID make a call, they can’t fire Ezra based on one tearful accusation from another employee. I don’t buy it.
So – nothing else happened, that’s pretty much it, goodbye everyone – OH WAIT. There was the small detail that JENNA CAN SEE NOW (or maybe she always could?). And she’s hiding it from everyone, including her lover-brother. And she also framed Garrett with the infamous PAGE 5 from Allie’s autopsy report, which apparently paints a pretty ugly picture of Garrett since his ass has now been arrested, right after he was making out with human decoy Melissa. Melissa isn’t happy, because she thinks that Spencer turned in the video of the 15 people waiting to kill Allie in her bedroom (oh yeah! Spencer showed that to Melissa! It did not go well!). So now Melissa claims to have equally damaging videos of the Liars, which they figure means The Jenna Thing. These guys LOVE filming stuff, huh? Stop filming stuff, everybody!
Random other bits:
- Maya’s still skulking around, being a total bitcheroonie via text. Or, someone is still pretending to be Maya, and she’s already dead. Let’s hope it’s the latter.
- Melissa is still acting as chief distraction, doing everything but wear a t-shirt saying ‘Murderer’, with an arrow pointing up at her face. They couldn’t possibly be telegraphing the answer this much, so there is no way she’s A, or the one who killed Allie.
- Missing in action: Lucas. Jason. Mike. Spencer’s parents. Wren. Jenna and Toby’s parents, who at this point I have to assume were killed long ago and are mummifying in rocking chairs in the basement.
- Dr. Annabeth Gish has not been seen or heard from since the mid-season finale when she left on a rather cryptic note. Is she going to figure into this thing at some point?
- Caleb was back! His part wasn’t very important since it was all just stunting to implicate Melissa, but we know better, so we don’t even need to worry about it. But his hair looked awful, like the top half of Padalecki’s ‘do:
SO. A lot to deal with, a lot to ponder. What did you think? Are all of the obvious suspects just red herrings, or is there more to any of them? I’m thinking maybe Jenna, because WHAT IS UP WITH JENNA??? But that’s it – I don’t think that Melissa or Garrett will end up being very connected to the murder/texts because that would be HIGHLY disappointing. I’m more on board than ever for an Evil!Ezra reveal now that he’s popped Aria’s cherry. So…you know what I’m going to say – time for you guys to talk to me! A lot went down, so if I forgot to talk about something, please call me out on that. This is your last chance to share your theory and get full credit before next week! Place your bets in the comments section!