Okay you guys, this video from The Night That Allie Died has the potential to become the most hilarious clown-car of a clue ever. As annoyed as we all are at how the reveal of A is being dragged out, I would sort of love it if every week a new person was revealed walking through Allie’s bedroom door, like Noel Kahn, Mona, Ezra, Byron & Ella, Maya and so on, until there are like 35 people standing around talking about how much they want to kill Allie. Think of all the gasping! Nobody reacts to shocking video reveals like the Liars of Rosewood:
But on a serious note, why can Caleb only decode five seconds of it at a time? Like, once you’re in the decoding zone, can’t you just kind of focus and get the whole GD file done at once? He doesn’t seem to be going to school right now, so maybe he should just do it. It’s kind of important. A lot sort of almost kind of happened again this week, so lets break it down by Liar:
Aria split her time between getting info from the dude who promised to track down A for Vivian Darkbloom, falling off a porch, and breaking up with Ezra (only to seemingly be back with him hours later). Oh, and she wore a pair of leggings that made her look like she was dressed like a fashion-forward youth on one side and a Real Housewife of New Jersey on the other.
The most interesting thing was the Ezra non-breakup, so lets discuss: what was up with that? Ezra went and interviewed for that New Orleans job and seemed taken with it, so he decided to end things with his teenage non-lover. Aria cried. Ezra was all like ‘whatevs’. Now, y’all know I’m looking for any indication that Ezra is evil, so I probably read too much into his reaction, but he really didn’t seem to give the smallest shit that he was dumping Aria, did he? But then later, they were sitting in his apartment eating an awkward dinner together (why?) when Ella showed up to get an understanding as to what their relationship actually was (paper bag masks, no sex, illegal and boring – does that about cover it?), because she wants to try to ‘get’ them before Aria just up and runs away with him.
Ella showed Aria the letter from A to Byron, connected it to the one telling her about Byron’s affair, and just like that Ella is now on A’s case! But while Ella is sweet, she doesn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed (she DID give birth to Aria don’t forget), so I don’t know how much good this will do until she eventually partners up with Ashley, who is much sharper and ballsier, as we will discuss soon enough.
As predicted, and not a moment too soon, Paige is back! She’s back, and she’s adorable, and she’s out to her parents, and she still really likes Em. And all of this is happening while Maya is busy being a cunting fuck puppet and refusing to talk to Emily who did the unthinkable by daring to refuse Maya’s offer to run away to San Francisco with no money and no prospects. Paige is streets ahead of Maya after only one episode back – Maya’s so not going to be happy about this development.
Of course, another explanation for Maya being MIA is something that I kept thinking to myself jokingly throughout the episode: Paige obviously killed her so that she could have Em all to herself. But then the cops showed up at the end of the hour wanting to question Emily about Maya and now it all just seems too real. Although, if Paige actually did it, who could blame her? She just did what we’ve all wanted to do for a while now anyway. And then this led me to wonder if Paige didn’t just off Allie too, since she and Em had their whole Sapphic-in-secret thing going on before she died. Paige as a lesbian serial killer would be pretty awesome, but I’m mostly joking, and I feel like she’s been too background to end up being directly involved in the A/murder business.
My actual theory about Maya is either that she’s missing (ran away) or she offed herself, because she’s such a goddamn drama queen that she would totally do that, and leave a note blaming the fact that she was headed back to True North and that Emily wouldn’t run away with her – couldn’t you totally see her killing herself just to ensure that Emily would feel guilty about it for the rest of her life? I could.
Theory number two: she was arrested for impersonating a high school student. Because she’s 32. YEARS OLD. You hear of that happening in real life every few years – some 20 or 30-something registers for school only to be found out as a pervy adult after a few months. As hilarious as this would be, I’m sticking with my first theory for now.
Hanna spent most of her time with Mona, the possible newest inductee to the Liars of Rosewood, who has been A’s main target for the past few days. She’s getting texts, post-its, and ultimatums, all related to Hanna and their joint past in retail thievery. OR DID SHE? I really like Mona, so a big part of me wants to believe all of this and have her join the group permanently, but I’m at least 50% skeptical that she’s orchestrating everything herself in order to get closer to the group and gain everyone’s trust. She could definitely have someone text her at opportune times, or leave notes on her own apple at school – it’s not hard.
But one of the best parts of this whole arc was that Ashley found the police report that Mona apparently got from A, complete with A’s note attached. So now she’s aware of A, and also, she immediately marched over to Det. Wilden and demanded that he stop fucking with her daughter’s head. Ashley Marin for the win! I love when people on this show are direct. Of course he hadn’t been the one to provide the file, because it makes him look just as bad (or worse, given that he’s the cop and should know better). Obviously, we’re meant to assume that Garrett found the file and sent it to Mona, but who knows?
The important thing is, both Ella and Ashley are now aware of A and will no doubt work together to find out what the fuck is happening. However, if the parents end up cracking the A code, it’ll just seem even more ridic that nobody thought to tell them earlier. But, since this is an ABC Family show where parents are second class citizens (or weeping poets), I’m sure this won’t be the case.
The biggest clue to come from Hanna’s world was the letter that the girls stole from the law firm, which was spied by Ashley who informed Hanna that Melissa used to work there. Which brings us to…
Okay, so evil or no, I am officially down with Wren as a character on this show. HOLY BANANAS he is hot. And of course they did that thing where the girl gets drunk and throws herself at the guy who does the right thing and declines, just to make us love him even more. Which, by the way, when did standards get so low that the simple act of not taking advantage of someone became a sign of a true gentleman? To paraphrase Cher Horowitz, a guy declines to date rape a drunk girl and we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so!
But whatever, I’m totally swooning because pretty smile and sexy accent and pretty smile…sorry I just zoned out. Spencer’s into it too:
But Spencer’s arc was the most exciting of the night not only for the ample Wren screen time, but also for the serious amount of info we got about Melissa who is back after what seems like two years, but she’s only about four or five months pregnant, so it obviously hasn’t been that long. She pretended not to know that Jason was their half-brother (I’m guessing she already knew because she was involved with every shady character including Jason back in the day, and she didn’t even mention the fact that she once made out with him, which would obviously be your first thought about someone who turned out to be your BROTHER. She was way too calm for that to be the first time she heard the news, you know?).
And then there was the Garrett connection. Garrett is still creepy as fuck, following the girls around all over town (is he still working? Did he take a leave of absence?). Also, he is either the worst at being inconspicuous, or he’s the worst at trying to look intimidating:
Then Melissa ditched Spencer last minute to get in his car, right after a mysterious someone watched the girls watching Melissa on the latest version of The Video. Not to mention that we now know that Melissa worked at the firm where the text messages from A were sent (back when the texts were directed at Allie). We also learned that Garrett accompanied Melissa to her OBGYN appointment at least once. What does it all mean?
Melissa has long been a suspect, but I don’t think her connection to Garrett was ever so spelled out before, right? But as for what it means is anyone’s guess. See? It felt like a lot happened, but we really don’t know much more that we did last week. I’m so ready for the cockteasing to end with the season finale – until the question of who killed Allie becomes the focus, anyway.
Oh, I amost forgot the most hilarious moment of the night, when Aria and Spencer went to meet phone-signal-cracking dude, and this happened:
So, as usual the promos for next week are below (father/daughter dance! Prepare for much weeping poet dad). In the meantime though, you must have new theories – lets talk about them! Also, feel free to spend between 50-100% of your comment on Wren lust because it’s totally understandable. I had to restrain myself from just posting 50 screencaps of his face with exclamation points as captions instead of writing a proper recap. You’re welcome?